


Let's Talk About Us

by masulevin



Series: A Sword to Pierce the Sun [6]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Feelings, First Kiss, Lyrium Addiction, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masulevin/pseuds/masulevin
Summary: Idri knows it's time to tell Cullen that she has a daughter, but every time she tries he distracts her with something else.





	1. First Try

**Author's Note:**

> A few scenes from the game with my own interpretation on them. I have this whole thing written, so I'll be posting additional chapters quickly.
> 
> If you missed it, Idri discusses her daughter in my last story, [The Light is Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8125408).

The Inquisition quickly settled into a new normal in Skyhold. Josephine immediately started a letter writing campaign, drawing on every favor she could think of to help the Inquisition get reestablished, Cassandra was back to massacring training dummies, Cullen was once again barking orders at his soldiers, and Leliana was busy recontacting her spies and training her crows to remember that the Skyhold rookery--inexplicably one floor over the library--was their new home.

If the spymaster was surprised to learn that Idri had a toddler that she wanted brought to Skyhold, she didn’t mention it. She agreed to send a letter to Clan Lavellan at Idri’s request, marked with the highest priority.

Once Idri knew the message had been sent, she knew she was quickly running out of time before she could talk to Cullen. She needed to tell him two things, and in a very particular order: first, that she was a mother, and second, that she was hopelessly in love with him.

Perhaps she should phrase it differently so that it would sound less threatening. She should just express an…  _ interest _ in getting to know him better. That would probably get things moving, right?

It was the day before she was going to leave for Crestwood. Her bags were packed, supplies had been gathered, and her companions told the plan. Hawke had already disappeared, off to find his Warden contact, whoever that was. Why everyone needed to be so mysterious was beyond her.

She walked from the main hall of Skyhold with a determined stride, only to falter as she reached the first landing of the stairs. The courtyard was full of people milling about, all working on some task or another to help get the fortress up and running. She remembered what Hawke had said--a whole city of people depending  _ on her. _

Her confidence oozed out of her until she was standing with her shoulders slumped and all she really wanted to do was go back to her room, climb into that ridiculously large bed, and sleep until Corypheus was gone and she wasn’t so important anymore.

That’s when her gaze landed on Cullen. He’d set up a makeshift desk at the very bottom of the stairs, almost directly under where she was standing. He was surrounded by soldiers dressed in their identical uniforms, all saluting before they took off at light jogs to complete their tasks.

A ray of sun struck his golden hair, lighting up the strands, and Idri smiled despite herself. She remembered what  _ he  _ had told her, that night they sat on the dock together as she tried to drink herself into unconsciousness.

_ I have the support of my friends. You do too. _

Before she realized she’d made the decision, Idri turned to finish walking down the stairs to reach his desk. She’d just ask to speak with him for a few moments and tell him about Sylvis so he’d have time to consider it before she told him anything else.

When he spotted her descending the last set of stairs, his lips twitched into a small smile, but it disappeared quickly as he began talking. He was all business, shooing soldiers away and shuffling reports about on the plank of wood. 

He seemed to want to  _ apologize  _ for what happened at Haven, like it had somehow been his fault that the little town had been attacked by an archdemon, that he hadn’t been prepared for that possibility.

As if anyone could prepare to be attacked by a blighted dragon spewing red lyrium.

She almost laughed at him. Almost. If it hadn’t been for the pained expression on his face, the way his honey eyes begged her for forgiveness, she would have. His seriousness bled into her, and the smile dropped from her face. She wanted to reassure him, to let him know that he hadn’t failed the Inquisition, that he hadn’t failed her. She didn’t know how.

“We will not run from here, Inquisitor.” He turned back to his desk, leaning with both palms flat on the wood, missing the way she took a step closer to him. Right in the middle of his workspace rested a sheet of paper with a list of names on it with  _ Haven  _ curling across the top.

“How many were lost?” She kept her voice soft, watching his face for a reaction.

It fell slightly, but his voice didn’t change as he answered, glancing up at her: “Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse.” Here, he paused, and looked away again. He cleared his throat. “Morale has been low, but it's… improved greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor.”

Something about the way he said it made blood rise to her cheeks in a blush. She reached for a joke to distract him in case he looked up at her, fingers fiddling with the buttons on her shirt. “ _ Inquisitor  _ Lavellan. It sounds odd, don’t you think?”

“Not at all.” His answer was immediate and left no room for argument. It only made her blush darken.

She blinked once at him, then tried again: “Is that the official response?”

He chuckled, eyes briefly closing as the amusement washed over his face. Idri’s heart swelled.  _ Success. _

“I suppose it is, but it's the truth. We needed a leader, and you have proven yourself.” His smile was dazzling, and Idri started to worry that he would see her blushing and figure out what it meant.

“Thank you, Cullen,” she said, voice much softer than it had been before. She continued without thinking about what she was going to say, moving another half step closer to him. “Our escape from Haven... it was close. I'm relieved that you--” his gaze flickered up to meet hers, and she quickly changed direction, “that  _ so many  _ made it out.” She dropped her eyes to the ground, rubbing the toe of her boot in the dirt.

She could hear the smile in his voice as he said, “As am I.” She looked back at him, and their eyes met again. Her breath caught in her throat, and she could hear her heartbeat hammering in her ears.

Creators. What was she  _ doing _ ?

She turned to leave, ready to run back to the safety of her room, but Cullen reached out and grabbed her hand. He pulled her back to him, but let her go far too quickly. “You stayed behind. You could have…” His words stuck in his throat, and he cleared again it before continuing. “I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word.”

His look was so earnest, willing her to believe him. She blinked slowly up at him, basking in the golden light of his gaze, and forgot to respond. It felt like she was floating, held aloft by the protectiveness she heard in his voice.

She settled for a smile and turned to leave him. This time he let her go, watching her walk away for longer than was proper. He didn’t know how to express his feelings very well, but he desperately wanted her to know that he would do  _ anything  _ to keep her safe.

Idri didn’t remember until she was halfway through a conversation with Blackwall that she hadn’t told Cullen about Sylvis.


	2. Second Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upped the rating because of some language in this chapter that I forgot about.

Crestwood was a disaster. All she wanted to do was meet Hawke and Hawke’s Warden contact, but was her life  _ ever _ that simple? What was supposed to be a simple week-long trip had expanded to take up three weeks, including a rift under a lake, reanimated corpses, red templars everywhere, and a  _ dragon. _

A real, live high dragon that spat  _ lightning  _ at them and made Idri run screaming like a child.

All she wanted to do was get some information on Corypheus and the Grey Wardens, and instead she’d walked into a shit storm.

Back in Skyhold, she’d brushed past all of her advisors, even Cullen, and let herself soak in a hot bath until the water had gone cold. She emerged refreshed, smelling strongly of vanilla, and dressed casually in one of the plain tunic and legging sets that Josephine kept leaving out in her room.

Only then did she call for a meeting in the war room, filling the council in on everything that had happened that hadn’t been included in her reports.

She stood patiently as they asked her questions, watched as they moved their little tokens across the map, and waited as Josephine promised to send them all the minutes of that day’s meeting.

Minutes that Idri would promptly throw into her fireplace for kindling, but Josephine didn’t need to know that. She was always so proud of herself.

After the meeting, she lingered in the main hall, speaking to her companions that she hadn’t seen since leaving Skyhold. Once she was certain Cullen was back in his office, she slipped through Solas’ rotunda to take the shortcut to see her commander and tell him about Syl.

He was already hard at work, squinting over a pile of reports, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn’t look up when his door clicked open and then closed, waiting until Idri’s light footsteps drew his attention from whatever he was reading.

“Inquisitor!” he said, surprise lacing his voice. He tried to dampen the smile that she always seemed to draw out of him, but he failed miserably. “Is there something I can do for you?”

Idri hesitated, then forced herself to forge ahead. “I was wondering if you had time to talk,” she said. When he wrinkled his forehead at her, she added, “Alone.”

He swallowed before nodding. “Yes, of course.” He stood and crossed the room, pushing open one of the doors that led out onto the battlements. He gestured for her to go first, then he followed her.

One hand went to the back of his neck, rubbing the skin there. “It’s… a nice day.”

It certainly was  _ not  _ a nice day. The wind was whipping across the battlements, making their cloaks swirl around their ankles. Stormclouds were rolling in, threatening to cover the area in a fresh coating of snow. “What?”

He opened his mouth to repeat himself, then thought better of his attempts at small talk. They never went well. “It’s--” he stopped and sighed, forcing his hand from the back of his neck back to hang by his side. “There’s something you wished to discuss?”

“Certainly not the weather.” She said it with a little smirk, eyes dancing with repressed laughter, but her mood didn’t catch on.

“I assumed that much.” He pushed past her to lean against the stone wall beside her, close but not close enough to touch her. “I can't say I haven't wondered what I would say to you in this sort of situation.”

_ Oh.  _ He was having  _ that  _ conversation. Idri felt her face heating up as she blushed, and suddenly she was glad he was so insistently staring out over the mountains. She needed to get this conversation back on track, but his words had her burning with curiosity. “What’s stopping you?”

She turned to back lean against the parapet next to him, arms crossed over her chest. Her elbow bumped into his, but he didn’t pull away from her.

He sighed heavily and hung his head, like the weight of his words were just too much. “You're the Inquisitor. We're at war. I... I didn't think it was possible.” He turned slightly to face her, and his breath caught as he realized how close she was to him.

Idri had forgotten how to breathe. They stared at each other as her heartbeat quickened, then she slowly reached out to take his hand in hers. Their fingers laced together and a tiny smile curled Cullen’s lips. She watched the motion and found herself mimicking it.

“And yet I’m still here.”

He stepped closer, moving so that he was standing directly in front of her. She took a deep breath and stretched up on her toes as he ducked his head down just slightly, fingers tightening together. He was standing so close that she could feel little puffs of warm air as he took deep, steadying breaths, and she could smell his soap, armor polish, and pomade clearly. Her head swam, and she reached up with her free hand to rest it on his breastplate.

“So you are. It seems too much to ask, but I want to…” He closed the distance between them until their noses brushed together, and Idri’s eyes drifted shut.

“Commander!”

The new voice shocked her, and she pulled away guiltily, like she was a child caught doing something wrong by her Keeper. She tucked both of her hands behind her back and ducked her head as Cullen stepped toward the intruder.

Somehow, without saying a word, Cullen scared the poor soldier away. Idri heard more than saw the young man scurrying back inside, slamming Cullen’s office door behind him. She looked back at Cullen just in time to see him sigh and slump his shoulders, still facing away from her.

“Cullen, if you need to g--”

He closed the distance between them to cut her off by cupping her face in both hands and fitting his mouth over hers. It only took her the space of a heartbeat to realize what was happening and melt against him, hands searching for purchase in his armor.

The first kiss was just a touch too hard, fueled by desperation to regain the moment before it was lost forever, but as he felt her relax under his touch, his lips softened against hers. Their mouths moved together slowly, savoring the new sensation, and he moved his hands to her waist, pulling her closer.

Soon, far too soon, Cullen broke the contact and rested his forehead against hers. Her eyes were still closed, hands fisted in his cloak, and he scrambled for something to say.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “That was, um… very nice.”

_Very nice?_ She pulled away slightly, a frown flitting over her face. “You don’t regret it do you?”

He wanted to tell her what a silly question that was, that he’d been literally dreaming of this moment since they first met in Haven, but he felt her already starting to pull away. He tightened his hold on her. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Oh.” The little word came with the curling up of her lips, and she stretched on her toes to bring their faces closer together again. He obeyed her unspoken request, tilting his head to capture her mouth in another kiss.

This one was firm, promising that there would be many more to come if only she’d have him. She felt the world spinning around her and as he moved to release her, she had to draw in a deep breath to steady herself. 

He pressed one more kiss to her forehead and smiled down at her, his lips lopsided and delicious in the afternoon sun, before turning to stride back to his office.

She watched him walk until he disappeared behind the thick stone walls, then turned to stare out over the mountains, willing her heartbeat to slow.

She couldn’t bring herself to be upset that she’d forgotten to bring up Sylvis again.


	3. Third Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idri thinks something's wrong with Cullen, so she shows up in his office to check on him. This time, he's the one with a secret to share.

Idri thought there might be something wrong with Cullen based on the way he kept leaning on the edge of the war table, letting his hip rest against it as his eyes closed briefly. The bags under his eyes seemed a little deeper than usual--she knew he wasn’t a great sleeper, but it seemed like something more was going on.

When Leliana asked, he said it was just a headache, but Idri had  _ never  _ seen him suffer so much from just a headache. She worried at her lip as the meeting dragged on, taking much longer than she thought it should. She kept sneaking little glances at Cullen from under her lashes, trying to keep an eye on him without making it too obvious. Based on the way Leliana was smirking at her, she was failing miserably.

Their relationship--if what was growing between them could already be  _ called  _ a relationship--was still mostly a secret. They hadn’t discussed it with anyone; really they’d barely discussed it with each other. Idridid  have a short conversation with Dorian about it shortly after their first kiss on the battlements, but that was mostly him teasing her for having a  _ thing  _ for strapping young templars.

Finally, Idri lost patience and called the meeting to an early end. She cited her insistent hunger--not a lie, but not really a reason to end a meeting--and shooed everyone from the room. She watched Cullen slink his way back to his office, frowning, and held herself back from chasing after him to make sure he was feeling well. He probably needed his space.

Her resolve only lasted a few minutes before she found herself outside his door. She raised her hand to knock, rolled her eyes at herself, and let herself in.

She paused with the door still open, tilting her head to the side as she watched her Commander. He was leaning heavily on his desk, palms flat on either side of a small box. His head was hanging low, and he didn’t look up as she entered.

After a moment, she pushed the door shut behind her and strode over to his side. She intended to ask him what was bothering him, but before she made it all the way across his office he began speaking.

“As leader of the Inquisition, there's something I must tell you.” His voice was brusque, harder than it usually was when he spoke to her. It was even harder than the tone he used in the War Room, harsher than business.

She swallowed hard and crossed her arms over her chest, ignoring the way her stomach twisted at his words. “Whatever it is, I'm willing to listen.”

“Right. Thank you.” He took a deep breath and looked up at her, honeyed eyes meeting grey. She could see a light sheen of sweat on his skin, and her frown deepened. “Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer. Some go mad.” He averted his eyes, dropping his gaze to the box below him. “Others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here, but I... no longer take it.”

Idri felt like she’d been punched, and she inhaled sharply before checking her reaction. He needed her support right now, not to stop and soothe her worry for him. “You stopped?” Her voice sounded small, even to her ears. She hoped he wouldn’t hear the waver.

He nodded and pushed the little box toward her so she could see its contents. It held three small vials, glowing with blue liquid, and a few other tools whose use she couldn’t fathom. Did templars have to prepare their own lyrium draughts? Did they not drink it as mages do, injecting it instead? She shuddered as the possibilities ran through her mind, and almost missed it when Cullen began speaking again.

“I haven’t taken it since I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now.” He looked up at her again, and she nearly lost her breath at the uncertainty she saw in his gaze. Suddenly things started making sense: his headaches, his sleeplessness, the occasional tremors that he tried to hide.

She took a step closer to him. “Are you in pain?”

He looked away from her and drew himself up to his full height. “I can endure it.”

“Why are you doing this?” Her voice shook more clearly now, but he still didn’t look at her. 

“After what happened in Kirkwall, I will not be bound to the Order or that life any longer.” His hands reflexively grabbed at his sword when he mentioned Kirkwall, but his voice didn’t change. “Whatever the suffering, I accept it, but I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to… to watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”

Idri’s mouth dropped open slightly. His ability to  _ lead _ ? That was  _ not  _ what she was concerned about at all. She’d never doubted his ability to lead, before or after this revelation. She was more worried about the pain he was in--just because he  _ could  _ endure it didn’t mean he had to do so alone.

She closed the remaining space between them and put one hand on his arm. Physical contact was new for them, and she felt him start under her touch. “Thank you for telling me,” she said softly, trying to draw his gaze from the box of lyrium to her face. “I respect what you’re doing.”

He cleared his throat and shifted on his feet slightly, moving out of her reach. “Thank you, Inquisitor. The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen, I will defer to Cassandra's judgement.” He closed the box and stowed it in his desk, locking the drawer with a key he pulled out of a pocket.

Without looking at her, he sat down in his desk chair and started shuffling through his papers.

Idri stayed standing at his elbow, arms wrapped around her waist, not sure what to do. She wanted to comfort him, but it didn’t seem like he wanted her sympathy. She also wanted to meet his secret with her own, but it felt like the wrong time to make things about her.

Cullen glanced up at her when she didn’t move away. His face was stoic, ever the proper soldier. “I need some time to myself, I think,” he murmured, voice softer than it had been, but still closed off.

She nodded immediately. “Yes. Right. I’m sorry.”

She fled his office before she could say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter featuring my confusion over why templars have all of those tools in their box.


	4. Fourth Try's the Charm?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Sylvis' arrival imminent, Idri has one last chance to talk to Cullen before he gets a bigger surprise than she intended.

Idri, Dorian, Varric, and Blackwall were in the Hinterlands when she received an urgent message from Leliana. The scout who brought it was panting for breath when she handed it over, and she sat down unceremoniously on the ground once her mission was complete. Varric handed the young woman a water skein with a chuckle, and she accepted it gratefully as the Inquisitor read her letter.

_ Inquisitor-- _

_ I have just received word from Laisal. She will be arriving with Sylvis no earlier than 25 Haring. Please return to Skyhold by this date. _

_ L _

The message was short, but made Idri start trembling all over. She looked up to see her companions staring at her, varying shades of concern on their faces.

“Bad news?” Varric asked gently, voice missing its usual humorous tone.

She shook her head and a smile broke out on her face, even as tears began to pool in her eyes. “What’s today’s date?”

Dorian frowned at her as Varric looked up towards the sky to count. “23 Haring, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Oh!” Her tears nearly spilled over, and she pressed her fingers to her cheeks. “We have to go back to Skyhold. My daughter’s almost there!”

The three men and the scout stared at her like she’d started speaking another language. 

“I’m sorry, your  _ what _ now?” Dorian had both hands on his staff, leaning on it heavily as he stared at her. Blackwall’s mouth was hanging slightly open, though he snapped it closed when she glanced at him.

Varric looked equal parts gleeful and horrified at the news. It would make any stories more interesting but also potentially much more tragic.

She just nodded, already moving toward the camp to pack up her things. “She’s two.” She stopped and thought, adding up the months she’d been away from her clan. “And a half.” She broke into a jog, like moving faster now could make up for lost time. “My sister’s been taking care of her for me. I obviously wasn’t supposed to be gone so long.”

The men trailed behind her as she wound her way through the trees, heading for the camp they’d been working from for the last few days. She could hear their low mutterings behind her, discussing this secret that she’d kept from everyone except the Spymaster, but she didn’t stop to indulge their curiosities. She only had two days to make a three-day journey, and she wanted to hurry.

\---

The group made it back late at night on the twenty-fifth. Though the men grumbled about their fast pace through the mountains, they understood her hurry. She explained to them about Sylvis, about how the girl’s father had been an alienage elf trying to regain his heritage, about how he’d gone back home shortly after Idri had become pregnant.

While this wasn’t the terrible stain on her reputation it might have been if she’d been a human, it was still something of an embarrassment to the clan. She should have known better, been more careful. She was happy enough, though, with just her and Sylvis in their aravel.

Her sister Laisal was their clan’s First and had just been bonded to a very kind hunter when their clan heard about the Divine Conclave. Keeper Deshanna wanted to send Laisal to the Conclave as a spy, but Idri quickly declared she would go in her sister’s stead if Laisal would watch Sylvis.

Everyone had agreed to her plan, and she’d slipped away with a promise to her daughter to return as soon as she could.

She cried softly as she recounted how Sylvis had held fiercely onto her neck as she tried to walk away all those months ago, and Dorian wrapped a kind arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and let him comfort her, though she wished he were the most important man in her life, the one who still desperately needed to be told about Sylvis.

She debated going directly to him when they arrived at Skyhold, but all of the lights in his tower were extinguished, and she didn’t want to disturb his precious rest with her news. It could wait until the morning; she would find him first thing before even breakfast.

Back in her room, she bathed quickly before pulling on a nightshirt. Before she climbed into bed, she walked around her quarters, and quickly found that someone--probably Josephine--had made some changes in her absence. One of the larger rooms off of her main room had been serving as storage, but since she last been there it had been transformed into a bedroom. It held a small bed as well as a crib, both outfitted in lovely linens that were finer than any Sylvis had ever seen. A wardrobe stood against one wall, and when she opened it she found a small array of little dresses. She smiled at that, running her fingers over the fabrics.

Tears came to her eyes again as she thought about how welcoming her friends were being, how accepting of her past and of her daughter.

She fell asleep with wetness still on her cheeks.

\---

When she finally awoke the next day, the sun was already streaming brightly through her windows. She leaped out of bed and readied herself quickly, donning a dress made in a more elven style than the rest of her normal clothes and pulling on a headband to keep her wild curls out of her face.

She raced through the keep, intent on finding and speaking to Cullen before anyone else could catch her. She ran through her words as she moved, practicing what she needed to say. She didn’t want to let him derail the conversation as he had the last few times she’d attempted this. He had to know, and he had to find out before Sylvis showed up.

When she burst into his office, he was already in the middle of a meeting. She skidded to a stop when she saw Knight-Captain Rylen standing across the desk from Cullen, both men bent over a map. They turned to look at her, and she was pleased to see the surprised smile flit across the Commander’s face before he forced his expression to return to professional interest.

“Inquisitor,” he greeted, voice even.

She glanced from the Knight-Captain back to Cullen, and shut the door behind her. “I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said, doing her best to sound like she was there on business. “I need a word with the Commander when you’re done here.”

Rylen smirked at her, like he knew what they were up to. “We were just finishing up, I believe.” He turned to Cullen to get confirmation, which he did, then he turned back and bowed to Idri with a wink. “Your worship.” She scowled at him, but he just chuckled as he moved past her.

She waited until the door was closed before she spoke again. “Do you have a few minutes?”

Cullen canted his head to the side to study her, then a slow smile worked its way across his face. “For you,” he acknowledged, then turned to lead her out onto the battlements.

She followed him, giddy excitement bubbling up in her chest despite the news she was about to tell him. This was exactly how they had kissed the last time, and she breathlessly hoped for a repeat performance. He hadn’t wanted to speak after his lyrium confession, but he seemed to be in a much better mood now.

They walked up the next flight of stairs before they stopped and faced each other. Cullen put his hands on her elbows to pull her against him, and she obeyed instantly.

“I missed you,” he murmured, bowing his head to press his lips to hers. She grabbed his at arms and eagerly returned his kiss. She felt instantly lightheaded and clutched him tighter, smiling against his lips as he slid his arms around her waist to pull her flush against him.

His armor was cold through her dress, and she found herself desperately wishing to hold him without the layer of silverite separating them. She ran her hands up his arms, across his fur pauldrons, and laced her fingers into his hair. The golden curls felt soft against her skin, and she used her grasp to pull his face harder against hers, running her tongue across his lip at the same time.

He sighed against her and parted his lips for her, letting her tongue explore him and returning the same attention to her. He shifted them slightly, pressing her against the battlement, trapping her with his strong arms. Their tongues slid together as their kiss deepened, and his hands ran down her sides, settling low on her hips for a moment before drifting back up.

Before he let himself push further than was appropriate, Cullen broke the kiss and stepped slightly away from Idri. She frowned at him, blinking away the haze that his kiss had left her in. His face was flushed, his lips a shade darker and wet from her attentions, and she smiled up at him before remembering what she had pulled him away from work to say.

Although, now that she knew  _ that  _ was how he responded to her interruptions, she would make a point to do so more often.

“Cullen, I have to tell you something.” His eyebrows went up, but he stayed silent, waiting. “You asked me before if I left anyone behind, and I told you ‘no one special’.”

He nodded. “I remember.” His eyebrows were slowly drifting together as different possibilities for what she might be trying to admit drifted through his mind.

She cleared her throat. “That wasn’t  _ entirely  _ truthful. I didn’t leave behind a-- a lover or anything like that,” she stumbled over the words as his jaw clenched, “but I do have--”

Her words, the most important ones, were cut off as the horns sounded near them, making her flinch away even as they indicated the arrival of important guests.

Cullen turned away from her slightly to peer over the wall, looking at the bridge spanning the chasm just outside of the keep. “Are we expecting--?”

Idri turned too, and squealed when she saw the small band of people approaching her fortress. Cullen turned back to her in surprise at the noise, so girlish for a woman like Idri, and she clapped her hands together. “Oh, they’re here. Come with me, please, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Without looking to see if he followed, she pulled up her skirts so she could run down the stairs. She flew down to the courtyard and out onto the bridge, skidding to a stop just before the horses.

The caravan rolled to a stop, and the carriage doors opened as Laisal stepped out. She was dressed in the traditional Dalish manner, long robes identifying her as the Keeper’s apprentice. Her face would have looked very similar to Idri’s, except her vallaslin was a whirling pattern over one eye where Idri’s was a stylized bow and arrow that covered most of her face. Her coloring was darker too, loose light brown curls fell over her shoulders and hazel eyes that lit up as soon as she saw her sister.

Laisal turned and reached into the carriage, pulling out a little girl with tight blonde curls just like her mother’s. Laisal put Sylvis down on the bridge and nudged her gently as Idri dropped down to both knees and held out her arms.

Sylvis studied her for a long moment, then broke into a run. She ran right into Idri, nearly knocking the elf over as she wrapped her little arms around her neck. Idri stood quickly and spun the little girl in a circle, letting the tears fall without caring who was standing there to see her.

“Mamae!” Sylvis yelled, bursting into her own tears. Idri patted the little girl’s back as she squeezed her tight, holding her like she could make up for all of the months of hugs she’d missed.

Laisal approached slowly, a tiny smile on her normally serious face at the display, and waited patiently until Idri opened her eyes and saw her standing there. She offered one arm to bring her sister into the embrace, and they stood there together until Idri could control her tears.

When they turned back to the keep, Cullen was standing at the end of the bridge, his arms clasped behind his back as he waited for their attention. Idri grabbed Laisal’s hand and tugged her along behind her, stopping only when they were next to the Commander.

“Cullen,” Idri breathed, face glowing brighter than he’d ever seen it. “This is my sister Laisal.” Cullen bowed slightly and offered his hand, which Laisal took with a grim smile. “And this,” Idri continued, turning just enough so that he could see Sylvis’ face where it was pressed against Idri’s shoulder, “is my daughter, Sylvis.”

She bit her lip and looked up at Cullen, who inhaled sharply but otherwise didn’t betray any shock. He licked his lips before responding, buying time, but then he smiled softly down at the little girl.

“Hello, Sylvis. It’s nice to meet you.”

Sylvis squinted at him and stuck her middle two fingers into her mouth to suck. She didn’t turn away from him, but she didn’t greet him either.

Cullen’s eyes went back up to Idri’s, a clear question burning through them. Laisal glanced from her sister to this shem with a frown. She knew that look on her sister’s face. That’s where Sylvis came from in the first place.

“Commander, we do have some  _ business  _ to discuss, but I have to see my sister settled first. Would you mind meeting me for lunch in my quarters in, um, half an hour?” She raised her eyebrows at him as she spoke, willing him to understand.

He seemed to grasp her meaning, because his eyes flashed as he saluted her. “Of course, Inquisitor.”

She smiled gratefully at him then turned to take her sister’s hand again. “Come, asa’ma’lin. We have a room ready for you.”

Cullen watched as the women disappeared together, already whispering to each other in elven, and felt his chest tighten at the sight.

Idri had a  _ daughter.  _ She had a child and hadn’t mentioned her once in the months they had known each other.

She’d obviously tried to tell him today, but that was certainly much later than he would have wanted to know. Maker, he’d told her about his lyrium addiction almost immediately after they had started… whatever they were doing. Getting to know each other.

He sighed and rubbed a gloved hand over his face. Just one more thing they needed to talk about.

He turned and walked back to his office, ready to busy himself until it was time to meet Idri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asa’ma’lin = sister


	5. Finally, Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idri and Cullen finally have some time to sit down and talk about what this changes about their new relationship.

Sylvis wouldn’t let go of her. It was like she was afraid that her mother might disappear again, say goodbye once more and not come back for months.

It was understandable, if a little difficult to set up food for three people with only one hand. She dragged her little table in front of the couch, set the food on it, then settled down onto the soft cushions and adjusted her daughter in her lap.

The girl was so much bigger than she had been the last time they saw each other. Her hair was longer, the spirals now reaching down her back. Her eyes were still the same dark brown, her fair skin still dusted in freckles, but she was taller and heavier, she knew more words, and  _ Creators, _  Idri had missed her.

She was still sitting there staring at her daughter when her door opened and heavy footsteps announced Cullen’s arrival. He paused at the top of the steps to scan the room, something he always did, and his gaze softened when he saw Idri sitting on her couch with Sylvis sitting up in her lap, a slice of buttered bread clutched in her tiny hands.

He approached the pair slowly and sat at the other end of the couch. Sylvis glanced over at him, but quickly turned her attention back to her food.

“Cullen,” Idri started immediately, shifting to reach out for his hand. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

He took her hand and smiled at her immediate apology. Their fingers twined together and she stroked the back of his hand with her thumb.

“Why didn’t you?”

She huffed out a breath. “At first I didn’t tell  _ anyone _ because… I just didn’t want anyone to know. I just wanted to go home after the Breach was sealed.” She paused and watched as his gaze turned sad. “Once I realized that couldn’t happen, I decided I had to tell you. Actually, when I was walking through the blizzard to find you after the avalanche, all I kept thinking about was seeing the two of you again.”

Her face heated at the admission, and she saw that a light blush adorned his cheeks as well. She squeezed his fingers.

“I wanted to tell you about her before I told you that I… how I  _ feel _ about you. I came to tell you on the day that you kissed me for the first time.”

Cullen racked his brain for the details of that first conversation. What had she said exactly? It dawned on him that she hadn’t said much of  _ anything;  _ he’d assumed that’s what their conversation would be about, and he’d taken the lead. He rubbed his face with his free hand and sighed softly.

“I’m sorry.”

Idri laughed loudly, earning her a tiny glare from her daughter for the noise. “I’m not sorry for  _ that, _ ” she said. “I’m sorry that I let you tell me your feelings before I told you about her.” She squeezed his hand to pull his attention back to her. “Are you okay with this? I understand if you aren’t, but I’d like to know before things go any further. Between us.”

He blinked at her, trying to make his mouth form the words he needed to say to put her at ease. He hadn’t spent a  _ lot  _ of time around children, but he was more comfortable around them than he was around some adults. Kids were upfront about who they were and what they wanted where adults were not.

“It’s just…” she sighed; he’d taken too long to respond. “I know we haven’t really talked about  _ us  _ yet, but you need to know it isn’t just me. It’s both of us.” Her free hand drifted to stroke her daughter’s head; the little girl had turned to stare at Cullen, a curious expression on her little face.

Cullen licked his lips before responding. “Where is her father?”

“Oh. I don’t know. He left after I found out I was pregnant.” She said it without emotion, like she was reporting how much elfroot she’d brought back from her latest outing.

Cullen scowled at the news. “I’m sorry.”

Idri shrugged one shoulder at him. “I’m not. It seems to be working out for the best.” She sent him a tiny, shy smile, and he knew what he wanted to say.

“Idri, I… care for you. Quite… quite deeply.” He delighted in the way her cheeks turned pink at this admission, and the rest of what he had to say came out more easily. “I would be honored for the chance to get to know you and Sylvis better.”

Idri looked up from where she was pressing a light kiss to the top of Sylvis’ head to see Cullen staring at her, his mouth curled in a lopsided smile. She matched his expression and leaned over Sylvis to press a chaste kiss to his lips.

When she pulled away, she looked down at her daughter, who was reaching for grapes that were just out of reach on the little table. “What do you think, da’iovro? Sound like a good idea?”

Sylvis froze, her whole body going still, and looked at Cullen from the corner of her eyes. The expression was so comical that Cullen and Idri both started laughing, and Sylvis turned to giggle against Idri’s shoulder.

“I think that’s a yes,” Idri said, turning back to Cullen.

His amber eyes were sparkling as he whispered, “I’m glad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> da’iovro = little bear (or bear cub, I guess)
> 
> [Dad Cullen](http://ma-sulevin.tumblr.com/tagged/dad-cullen) is just my jam. I just love it.
> 
> Also, if you'd like me to share something in particular from Idri and Cullen's story, talk to me on [tumblr](http://ma-sulevin.tumblr.com/) or leave me a comment here! I have some more story ideas for them, but I can always use more.
> 
> If you like this story, check out the one I'm working on staring Alistair and my Warden Mahariel. I'm obviously biased, but I think it's pretty good :) _[Scars Beyond Counting](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8155775/chapters/18690482)_


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